It’s mid-November and the book release date is getting closer. So many emotions rush through my mind and affect my body. Memories come flooding back once again as I review the proof and add pictures.
Those memories create two different reactions. A smile comes to my face as I remember the good times when Jenny was still alive. Joy returns to my heart as I think about what made her special. Just the other day I thought of something she said that always made me chuckle. Our normal response when a person sneezes is “God Bless You”, or just “Bless You”, right? Well, if Jenny sneezed and she didn’t think anyone was nearby to hear it, she’d say to herself, “Bless you me”. She wanted to make sure she was blessed after every sneeze and if no one was there to do it, she’d do it herself. That’s just one example of why she was special.
As I write those last words, I have to pause and fight back the tears. Memories can bring joy and in my case they also bring sadness. While looking through my albums for pictures to include in the book, there was no denying that for a couple years, my pictures don’t include Jenny. Her anger toward me and Bill kept her from visiting.
How I wish I could go back and do some things differently! If I knew then what I know now I would have responded to her anger with love, instead of letting my hurt feelings dictate my reaction. I wouldn’t have put off finding out what she was so mad about.
We all know that the past can’t be changed. Jenny is gone so I’m stuck with those regrets. I miss her. Tears once again caused me to take a break from writing. My emotions are all over the place as I try to focus on the task at hand.
What’s the theme to this blog? I really don’t know. All I do know is that my daughter is gone and I miss her. Is writing this book and bringing all these emotions back to the surface worth it? Absolutely! Through my tears and pain I continue to heal. A person never totally heals from something like this but it does get easier, for the most part. Trying to bury the pain only makes it grow stronger and wears me out. Dealing with it is difficult at the time but in the long run, it gets easier.
This pain will be with me the rest of my life but that doesn’t mean I have to let it rule my life. By reliving the pain, now and then, I slowly take control of it. I slowly regain control of my life. I refuse to let the past dictate my future. The best way to do that is to confront it. Not always easy but worth the effort.