After numerous failed attempts to complete a blog, I am bound and determined to finish this one. What hindered my writing? Any number of reasons can be referenced but the main one is emotion. I know, “emotion” can be a vague term, or a loaded term, but I was experiencing a wide variety of emotions so it’s difficult to pin point just one.
For example, in an earlier blog I wrote about the anxiety that plagues me from time to time. Besides a heart that pounds so hard and fast I think it’s going to pop out of my chest, one of the symptoms of anxiety is fatigue. Add a head cold to that fatigue and you get a head fog that is thicker than normal. Those two factors combined made it nearly impossible for me to concentrate, read or write, so completing a blog was just not going to happen.
The head cold is better and the fog has somewhat lifted so what other emotions could there be? As much as I hate to admit it – fear. What am I afraid of? Well, it’s actually not a matter of being afraid of it. I just want to avoid it. The “it” I’m talking about is conflict.
When I wrote the book and looked ahead to what God’s plan may be for it, I knew that not everyone would agree with or understand why I wrote it. As He warns all of us about persecution for our faith, the Lord warned me that there would be opposition to me and the book. He gave me the ability to get past the harsh, condemning words but that doesn’t mean the words don’t sting.
Part of me wants stand up, raise my voice, shake my fist and defend myself. The other part of me knows that my job is to pray for those who condemn me and let God do the rest. That’s not always easy but with His help, I can do it.
As I sit here, fingers poised over my keyboard, my mind sways back and forth over what to type next. I have to continue asking the Lord what HE wants me to do, what HE wants me to say.
Three verses in Colossians (NIV) come to mind; 3:17 & 24, along with 4:6. Col 3:17 goes like this: “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” Verse 24 b says, “It is the Lord Christ you are serving”. Chapter 4, verse 6 expands on that thought, “Let your conversations be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
My writings, whether blogs or a book, are written for an audience of One. It’s up to Him what He does with the words and who He touches with them. It doesn’t matter what people think or say about my motives for writing the book. It doesn’t matter if people agree or disagree with what I say or write. What matters is if God is pleased with it. I’ve had to remind myself of that a lot lately. With the strength He gives me, I can handle any conflict that results from peoples’ opinions. Even as I type these words, I find myself asking for more of that strength as opposition is everywhere.
The last obstacle is timing. In less than 3 weeks, the 5th anniversary of Jenny’s death will be here. Hard to believe it’s been that long. I don’t remember last year being as difficult but then last year I hadn’t written the book yet.
This perfect storm of emotions plus timing has been difficult to overcome but just the fact that I’m this far with the blog is progress. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13). I can get through this fog, this perfect storm, no matter how often it tries to slow me down.
I am doing it for the Lord and that’s all that counts.