Someone once said we improve with age. In some areas I agree, in some I don’t.
As the mother of four and grandmother of six, you could say I have some experience with raising children. When I put that theme up against the “improve with age” theory, I must admit that I agree. In some ways, the grandmother I am today is better than the mother I was.
What caused that change? Well, wisdom usually comes with growing older and I believe I have gained some wisdom through the years. Wisdom and experience go hand in hand and the checkmarks in my “experience” column are more than I expected. Jenny’s death put an unexpected and unwanted checkmark in that column.
The mother I was, tried to control her kids with anger and yelling. The grandmother I am, nurtures her grandkids with love and understanding. The mother I was, let her insecurities dictate many of her actions. The grandmother I am, makes every effort to build up my grandkids (and kids) so they don’t have the same insecurities. I can’t undo the mistakes I made raising my kids but I can learn from them and not repeat them with my grandkids.
What else can I credit for the change in me? The biggest influence was trading in my religion for a relationship with Jesus. When I finally realized that nothing I do can make God love me any more or less than He already does, the burden was lifted. I no longer had to prove myself worthy of His love, forgiveness or blessing. In reality, the truth is that I am NOT worthy of any of those things. He gives them to me simply because He wants to. He loves me with a love that is hard to comprehend.
I often wonder what my relationship with Jenny would be like now if she were still alive. Would she like the improved me or would she still be angry? That is a question I’ll never get an answer to but that’s OK. I know that when I see her in heaven, all the barriers between us will be gone. That gives me great comfort.
In the meantime I continue to work towards improving myself day after day. God’s mercies are new every morning (Lam 3:23 NLT) which makes all the difference in the world. The love and mercies He has for me are the same He has for all His children so there’s no excuse. We all can be better now than we were before, if we want.