Regret and Resentment

            This blog may be a little different than the rest.  The emotions come from a different kind of pain.  When I left my ex-husband ten years ago, I planned on moving out alone.  I wasn’t going to tear any of my children away from their father or demand that they chose sides.  Much to my surprise, Jenny wanted to come with me. 

            I didn’t object and embarked on searching for an apartment with two bedrooms, instead of one.  God blessed us with a place that I could afford and we still had plenty of room.  We did have to sacrifice a few things but we survived.

            During the year we lived in that place the divorce proceeded slowly.  I made sure Jenny got her driver’s license, her first beater car and her senior pictures.  We had plenty of food, heat and as much time together as our schedules would allow.

            Also during this time together I made some poor choices.  As soon as Jenny could, she moved in with her father, leaving me alone.  The rest of my children also put great distance between themselves and me.  They didn’t like what I was doing.  They resented the fact that I was divorcing their father. 

            I admit that some of my actions during that time were sinful.  God convicted me of those actions and I repented but He never convicted me of divorcing my husband.  I regret the poor choices I made and am thankful for God’s unconditional love and forgiveness.  I regret the pain my poor choices caused my children and continue to pray that someday they’ll get past the resentment and forgive me, too.

            I have apologized to my children several times for my behavior.  Bill, my husband, has also apologized for his part in the whole thing.  Despite the remorse and apologies, Jenny wasn’t able to express forgiveness before she died.  She took her anger and resentment with her to the grave.  We were at odds when she left.

            Now that she’s in heaven, she no longer has that resentment but I still carry the regret of not being able to reconcile with her before she was taken.  I have three other children who keep me at arm’s length and I pray that one day they’ll chose to end this feud and forgive. 

            I miss my kids and grandkids.  I want to be a bigger part of their lives than I am right now. I want them to accept Bill and not hold anything against either of us.

            Life is too short to carry a grudge and be unforgiving.  It doesn’t matter if the feud is with a friend, family member or complete stranger, get over it.  I know it hurts and that pain goes deep but you can put the pain in God’s hands and ask for His help.  No pain is so deep that God can’t heal you.  Don’t let resentment and unforgiveness weigh you down.  Don’t set yourself up for regret later on.

            Satan wants families to be torn apart and he uses resentment and unforgiveness to put a wedge between family members.  Break the chains that Satan has on you and do what God commands – forgive!  Only then can families and relationships be restored and the enemy conquered.  Only then will the resentment fade away, families be restored and God be honored.

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