Sleepless nights – that’s what I’ve been experiencing for the last month.  It all started when I decided to write a book about what happened to my daughter.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry I wrote it but any time you open wounds, you never know what’s going to come out.

            It’s been four years since the accident and I thought I was doing pretty well.  The tears slowed down and the pain was less intense but they still make an appearance on the day she came into this world and on the day she left.  I had my emotions under control, or so I thought.

            Digging through saved paperwork brought those emotions to the surface once again.  The wound was opened and anxiety came out.  That anxiety has robbed me of peaceful slumber night after night.  I awake with my heart pounding, sometimes so “loud” that I hear it in my head.  Counting sheep, counting backwards from 100 and all the other tricks I try just don’t work.

            As much as I didn’t want to resort to this, I made a trip to my doctor for help.  I refuse to take any medication during the day but I wanted, needed, something to help me sleep.  The medication he prescribed helps me fall asleep but it doesn’t keep me asleep so back I went to see what else could be done.  The new medication masks the symptoms but it doesn’t address the root of the problem. 

            God knit me together in my mother’s womb and He knows every part of me.  Knowing that He is the Great Physician, I prayed to Him when this first started.  What I heard in return was silence.  I prayed more and “harder” and still heard silence.  Last week I was on the verge of tears just about every day.  The anxiety was ragging and once again all I heard was silence.

            I was finally able to vent to a friend and she understood.  A little sympathy and encouragement go a long way.  I felt better but still couldn’t sleep.  More prayers were prayed, more sleep was lost and more silence was heard.

            What is causing the anxiety?  Well, first there’s the replay of my daughter’s death and everything that went with that.  Next is the new territory of publishing a book.  There’s so much to learn, so much to do, so many unknowns.  That combined with a couple other new ventures I’m starting was like poking a snake with a stick.  Sooner or later it will wake up and strike.

            As I prayed with another friend today I heard from God.  He told me that His grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor. 12: 9- 10).  While I read these verses it became clear that this “thorn” in my side won’t be removed, at least not yet.  God put the anxiety there to keep me humble so that all the credit and glory goes to Him and Him alone.  How can I argue with that? 



9 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. nitinlalit9 says:

    I read your previous post and it touched me. God bless you. keep praying. Life at times can be horrible but you can get past it all with faith. As far as anxiety is concerned, God did not put it there. He allowed it to happen that’s all. Sometimes God allows suffering to happen because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character hope that will not put us to shame (Romans 5:3-5). Look at it that way and keep moving forward. There is no harm taking medication (know that this is coming from somebody who has seriously suffered from bipolar depression and is on lithium today) but you do what your heart tells you to in the end. Always remember that God is love and through it all he’ll always be there. I just felt led to share all of this and what’s more amazing is that I live on the other side of the globe. Cheers !

  2. dawnkline says:

    Praying for you, Patty! God tells us over and over again in His Word, “Do not fear,” yet somehow that is the hardest commandment for us to keep! He will never leave you or forsake you and He will surely walk you through this every step of the way!

  3. Norma Schmidt says:

    Patty, I can so relate to your blog entry as I am facing my own giant right now. I had an endometrial biopsy this a.m. and won’t know till the end of the week if I have uterine cancer or not. I have to remind myself over and over and over again that God is in control, and that He will be with me no matter what the test results are. I have a favorite Bible verse which I also remind myself of often. It is Isa. 26:3. “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.” Gymnasts who are walking the balance beam must keep looking ahead and not down at the bar in order to stay on it….so keeping my eyes ahead and on Jesus will keep me from “falling off” also. Let’s pray for each other that god gives us both peace that only He can.
    Your cousin, Norma

    • patty bonack says:

      Norma, of course you have my prayers! Keep me informed. Some of the my favorite verses are on Philippians 4 starting with verse 4 – 7, along with verses 12 & 13. I know that no matter what God allows to happen in my life, I can have get through it and have peace because He is with me. I pray that same peace be yours through this.

      love you!


  4. Mary Leonard says:

    Nice job with your blog! I just “followed” you, first blog I am following. Blessings to you in this journey as you follow your Good Shepherd 🙂

  5. Karen says:

    When I read this post, I looked at a saying I have on my wall…I believe in the sun, even when it does not shine. I believe in love, even when I do not feel it. I believe in God, even when He is silent.

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