Sleepless nights – that’s what I’ve been experiencing for the last month. It all started when I decided to write a book about what happened to my daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry I wrote it but any time you open wounds, you never know what’s going to come out.
It’s been four years since the accident and I thought I was doing pretty well. The tears slowed down and the pain was less intense but they still make an appearance on the day she came into this world and on the day she left. I had my emotions under control, or so I thought.
Digging through saved paperwork brought those emotions to the surface once again. The wound was opened and anxiety came out. That anxiety has robbed me of peaceful slumber night after night. I awake with my heart pounding, sometimes so “loud” that I hear it in my head. Counting sheep, counting backwards from 100 and all the other tricks I try just don’t work.
As much as I didn’t want to resort to this, I made a trip to my doctor for help. I refuse to take any medication during the day but I wanted, needed, something to help me sleep. The medication he prescribed helps me fall asleep but it doesn’t keep me asleep so back I went to see what else could be done. The new medication masks the symptoms but it doesn’t address the root of the problem.
God knit me together in my mother’s womb and He knows every part of me. Knowing that He is the Great Physician, I prayed to Him when this first started. What I heard in return was silence. I prayed more and “harder” and still heard silence. Last week I was on the verge of tears just about every day. The anxiety was ragging and once again all I heard was silence.
I was finally able to vent to a friend and she understood. A little sympathy and encouragement go a long way. I felt better but still couldn’t sleep. More prayers were prayed, more sleep was lost and more silence was heard.
What is causing the anxiety? Well, first there’s the replay of my daughter’s death and everything that went with that. Next is the new territory of publishing a book. There’s so much to learn, so much to do, so many unknowns. That combined with a couple other new ventures I’m starting was like poking a snake with a stick. Sooner or later it will wake up and strike.
As I prayed with another friend today I heard from God. He told me that His grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor. 12: 9- 10). While I read these verses it became clear that this “thorn” in my side won’t be removed, at least not yet. God put the anxiety there to keep me humble so that all the credit and glory goes to Him and Him alone. How can I argue with that?